the nexus
What is at the nexus of recovery and addiction?
In building my memoir – my “Ebenezers” – I’ve answered that.
And now as I re-read and re-write that chapter, I know I need to drill down a bit into the nexus.
In my post of Feb. 3, I talked about my 35th anniversary of “putting the plug in the jug.”
That’s a breezy way of minimizing what actually happened, because it was a supernatural one-off, a bravura performance by a beneficent power greater than I could imagine.
Specifically, God intervened in response to a prayer I launched right after a confrontation with the 800-pound gorilla that had been squatting in the living room, the back seat of my car and anywhere else I was. I had to either ignore or walk around him and play like he wasn’t there. Of course, this was the famous Gorilla of Denial, familiar to many contemporary families, whether they’ll admit it or not.
The nexus of recovery and addiction happened on the day the denial gorilla got deflated.
It happened this way:
Following several months of trying AA, I was unsuccessful. I just didn’t get it. I’d drink for a couple of weeks, then abstain for a couple. The back-and-forth had worn me down nearly to the point of giving up.
How the hell did those people do it? They were happy, mostly successful, some startlingly so.
So that day 35 years ago, I was comparing myself to others and coming up short – a dangerous game for anyone with an un-dealt-with dysfunction.
And that’s exactly when the nexus happened. I popped a beer that day, but put it down with a strange feeling that I wanted no more of it. I looked in a mirror, and saw an entity looming over my back.
It was a dark presence. Think: logo for the movie Amadeus: a dark looming presence right behind me.
It frightened me so much, I jerked around. There was nothing there, but I knew I had seen some kind of spiritual manifestation – a warning.
I never looked back at that mirror. I prayed to be able to stop drinking.
And I understood that I could, but I had a lot of hard work to do.
Whether you are a believer as I am or not, the fact is that the prayer worked. That strange event was the line of demarcation between addiction and recovery, the nexus of life and an ugly early death.
I knew something had happened. I would like to talk to you about using this story for one of the characters in my current novel in progress. This type of encounter is primarily the nexus for many of the Christian characters interviewed by the students.
I think anyone that learns the truth of how God intervenes is given the experience for a reason. It being to share what they know, so others will invite God back into their lives, before they destroy themselves.
Thanks for sharing.
You bet. We’re due for another lunch. Got a good day?
My experiance was this: I saw my fading in the mirror but felt it more deep down, yet it was a moment of clarity [sometimes referred to as a spirtual awakening] that sent a chill to my core, made me put down the the drink that was just poured and drive to my salvation [an AA meeting]. I knew that this was my chance to escape from the life I had built and once adored.
Thanks, Darren. I appreciate your shared experience. I’m hoping we can provide encouragement to others through this medium. Please feel free to comment anytime! –Doug